Director John Gulager’s latest horror comedy oddity, Seven Cemeteries, starring Danny Trejo, is a super fun mismatch of zombie-western narratives that surely stands head and shoulders above the recent deluge of pre-Halloween horror VOD releases. The premise is pretty basic; think of Seven Samurai but with a crew of wisecracking undead going against a dreaded drug lord, and that’s all you need to know before diving into the goofy, bloody spectacle of Seven Cemeteries. Aside from some good comedic moments scattered throughout the plot, the fact that despite having little screentime, the ensemble of characters have their distinct personalities is what I find really commendable. Embracing the tropes and clichés of both the western and zombie horror genres, the movie is self-conscious enough to never take itself too seriously, and despite that, it features some well-earned emotional moments that leave a mark at the end. It’s good to see Trejo as the veteran action star leading from the front and at the same time-sharing space to provide co-actors their moment to shine as well.
Spoilers Ahead
Why Does El Abuelo Kill Matteo and Bravo?
Seven Cemeteries opens in suburban Diablo County, Texas, near the Mexico border, and the narrative focus shifts to couple Carmela and Matteo, who are tormented by a local cartel chief, El Abuelo, who wants to buy Carmela’s ancestral family ranch. The ranch is right above a tunnel system that leads to a Mexican factory and, much earlier, was used by Carmela’s family to rescue immigrants from the other side of the border. After Trump’s border expansion plans were initiated, the cartels set their eyes on these catacombs for their drug trade, and Abuelo began terrorizing Carmela’s family to hand over the ranch to him. As Matteo stands up for his wife, he is murdered by Abuelo, who allows Carmela a day’s time to think things through unless she and her grandmother, Viejita, want to meet the same fate.Â
Santana Bravo, a former gang member serving four decades in prison under false charges of murder, gets released—and before his demise, Matteo had seemingly asked for his help regarding the Abuelo situation. Bravo has a history with Abuelo, as the duo were involved in a love triangle with Guadalupe, the lady both of them fell for. Guadalupe chose Bravo to be her life partner, prompting a jealous, egotistical Abuelo to end up killing her. At present, Bravo meets with Carmela, and after learning about her predicament, advises her to walk away. Bravo is past his prime; he can no longer offer Carmela protection, especially from the person who took away the love of his life. In the meantime, Abuelo sends Jake, the local sheriff under his payroll, to apprehend Bravo in front of Carmela’s residence. Jake ends up shooting Bravo to death and warns Carmela of the repercussions if she refuses to comply with Abuelo’s commands.
Bravo’s Undead Posse
A local witch doctor, simply termed Bruja, brings Bravo’s body to her shack with the help of her undead accomplice, Miguel, and is able to bring him back to life. Bruja wants a reluctant Bravo to take the battle to Abuelo, as she too has some unrevealed personal score to settle with the druglord. However, without a crew of his own, Bravo doesn’t stand a chance. Additionally, no one alive is bold enough to risk their lives for Bravo’s cause, which prompts Bruja to suggest Bravo bring together a crew of undead. Bruja offers him to show the way to raise the undead—the way she resurrected her unwilling accomplice, Miguel, as well. By offering his blood to the Aztec sun god, Huitzilopochtil, drawn by a ceremonial knife, upon the grave of a deceased person, Bravo can reanimate them. Now the question arises: why would the departed ones help Bravo anyway? The reason is Bruja can bring them back to life as humans and offer them a second chance in the process. Bravo takes Miguel on as the first member of his crew, and one by one, he resurrects; his former rival, the burly menace, Eugene; Bravo’s former accomplice, the wisecracking street smart diamond thief, Tommy Lasorda; a world champion luchador wrestler, Quasimodo; and his ring and life partner, Dolores, aka Banshee.
Lastly, Bravo brings a zombified merc named Stickface back to life but faces a bit of difficulty in convincing them to join his side and battle El Abuelo. Eugene doesn’t take kindly to the idea of working for Bravo, while Banshee isn’t pleased to be reanimated along with Quasimodo, as it is hinted that she wanted to leave him anyway. On the other hand, Carmela and Viejita prepare their arsenal and wair for the next day, hoping for a miracle to put up a fighting chance against Abuelo’s men.
Did Bravo and Carmela Take Their Revenge?
Eventually, Sheriff Jake brings a unit of crooked cops with him to force Carmela to give away the ranch and gets his head blown straight off by Viejita’s shotgun. As the rest of the cops begin firing at Carmela’s residence, Bravo and his undead posse spring into action, eliminating every single one of them in the most brutal ways. The crew arrives at Carmela’s residence, and Eugene demands Bravo keep his end of the bargain, but Bravo mentions that their job is far from over, as Abuelo will send more of his lackeys to take away the ranch.
Abuelo learns about the present situation and manages to abduct Miguel, who had strayed a bit far from Carmela’s residence. Seeing an undead Miguel, the druglord is able to recognize this as Bruja’s handiwork and eliminates Miguel by shoving him through a woodchipper. However, Miguel’s severed hand survives and flees from the scene. Meanwhile, Carmela shows Bravo the real reason Abuelo has been tormenting her for so long by bringing him to the tunnel system. Quasimodo tries to woo his undead lover by singing to her in a slightly comedic, mostly sentimental scene.
Abuelo arrives at the outskirts of Carmela’s residence and brings a captive Bruja with him, strapping her with a remote-controlled bomb. Without Bruja, Bravo will not be able to bring his crew back to life as he promised, and Abuelo forces Bravo to surrender in exchange for Bruja’s life. Bravo has no other option except to comply with Abuelo’s command, and the sordid memory of losing Guadalupe in a similar manner flashes in his mind’s eye. Abuelo kills Bruja by detonating the bomb anyway, prompting a manic Bravo to kill his crew and send Abuelo fleeing away for the time being. Needless to say, Bravo’s crew are dejected, but despite having no reason to stick with Bravo any longer, they choose to do so out of their goodwill.
Abuelo returns with his cavalry, this time with more firepower, as Stickface ends up getting blown to bits by an RPG. Bravo decides to lead his crew, Carmela and Viejita, through the tunnels to escape, where they are chased by Abuelo’s men. A vicious gunfight inside the tunnel results in numerous of Abuelo’s crew getting eliminated, as the druglord becomes restless to kill Bravo and his crew by any means necessary. Bravo decides to save Carmela and Viejita’s lives by sending them ahead through the tunnels while himself staying behind with his crew to take on the oncoming forces and collapse the tunnel. Moved by Bravo’s self-sacrificing gesture, Carmela seems unwilling to part ways, but Bravo implores her to do so anyway. However, what remains of Bravo’s crew—Eugène, Tommy, Quasimodo, and Banshee—coerce Bravo to follow Carmela, as unlike them, he has gotten another chance at life, which he shouldn’t squander away—at least for the sake of his crew, who are prepared to sacrifice themselves for a noble cause. The undead posse of Bravo blow up the tunnel, effectively cutting off the access and killing Abuelo’s henchmen in the process. Before dying once again, Quasimodo and Banshee manage to reconcile with each other, and the crew goes out in a blaze of glory.
Bravo momentarily meets his end again by getting crushed under the collapsing tunnel while escaping, but Viejita manages to bring him back to life by resuscitating him. However, as Bravo, Carmela, and Viejita emerge on the other side of the tunnel, inside a factory in Mexico, they find Abuelo to be present right in front with a couple of his lackeys. Viejita’s quickdraw skills result in both of his henchmen dying within moments, but Abuelo takes control of the situation by getting his hands on an SMG and holding Bravo at gunpoint. However, situations change dramatically as Miguel’s severed hand, which is sentient and can talk as well, makes a surprise appearance and manages to distract Abuelo long enough for Bravo to lunge at him and drive a knife into his heart. Bravo takes his revenge for Guadalupe’s death, while Carmela carves the wound open to take revenge for her husband, Matteo’s death, ensuring that Abuelo remembers her face as the last thing he sees before breathing his last.
Before taking her leave from Carmela, Bravo gives her a bunch of red diamonds he had received from Tommy Lasorda, which will prove useful in her effort to rebuild the house and have a fresh start at life. As for Bravo, he doesn’t know how things will shape up from now on, but having another chance at life, he will surely make the most of it. As Bravo walks through the fields, he reminisces of the memories of his time spent with his love, Guadalupe, who motivates him to gain a sense of purpose. In his future journeys, Bravo gets a companion in the form of Miguel’s severed hand, which latches on to his shoulder like the ‘Thing’ from Addams’ family.